I'm the one...

Please don't take this the wrong way because ultimately God is the one to me, but as far as what I am presently experiencing, I'm learning that dependence, or relying on others to be there for you or to fulfill/complete you is a big mistake in certain situations and circumstances. Not that all people are a let down, but people can really hurt you if you allow them to do so...In a nutshell this is a cathartic means of me getting my thoughts together, to sort of make sense. Just in a deep over the head type of way...lol

I'm the ONE

I've searched high and low.
Near and far far away.
Deep in the pit of my soul.
Every direction every way.

I've looked in other ppl to find the source.
I let others use me up, up, up.
Until what I have left is no more.
Bone dry, no more virtue in my cup.

Until the day I finally reallized,
And took a deep look way down inside.
I found inside purpose set before me,
The real me, my soul, the essence, the BEAUTY.

I was so afraid that I wasn't enough, I can't make it.
I don't have what it takes, so I'll just fake it.
Ignoring what I already had for what I said "I need"
Neglecting the fact that what I need, want, desire is already planted within me

The one piece that was missing, hidden amongst the strife,
That I'm the one I've been lookin for my entire life...

Gettin tired

YEA I'M GETTIN' TIRED OF THE BITCH NIGGA'S LIES/ EXCUSES USED TO SOFTEN THE BLOWS AND BLIND MY EYES/ OK HE MAY NOT BE A BITCH, BUT HE PLAYS ONE WELL/ I'M GOING BY HIS ACTIONS AND THAT'S THE STORY THEY TELL/ I'M GETTIN TIRED OF BITCH NIGGAS AS KATT WILLIAMS SAY/ CUZ THEY GETTIN' STRONGER AND STRONGER EVERYDAY/ OFFA DA POWER GIVEN TO THEM BY THE STRONG/ FEEDIN' OFFA PEOPLE LIKE ME AND THAT SHIT IS WRONG/ WHAT'S EVEN WORSE IS THAT ALL THE WHILE I SIT BACK AND KNOW/ THAT THE STRENGTH I POSESS IS SLOWLY GOING/ BECAUSE I GIVE AND GIVE THINGS THAT HE DON'T DESERVE/ OVER AND OVER GIVING SHIT THAT HIS ASS AIN'T EARNED/ SO THIS IS THE PLACE @ WHICH I'VE ARRIVED/ IN A PLACE OF RESENTMENT FILLED W/ TEARS, BUT I'M DRYIN' MY EYES/ BECAUSE OUT OF THE MANY THINGS U AIN'T WORTH/ IS MY PRECIOUS TEARS FALLING DOWN TO THE EARTH/ SO IMMA HOLD MY HEAD HIGH/ ASK GOD TO CLEAR MY HEART AND CLEAR MY MIND/
OTHERWISE INSANITY MIGHT ENSUE CAUSING ME TO CLOCK OUT/ I THOUGHT WE HAD POTENTIAL, BUT NOW I HAVE MY DOUBTS/THE ULTIMATE STRUGGLE IN IT ALL IS LETTING GO/ LOOKING PAST THE HURT AND PAIN AND LETTING MATURITY SHOW/ SEE THERES ONE THING THAT THIS WOMAN KNOWS FA SHO/ THAT THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU JUST WALKED OUT THE DOOR/ AND UNLESS THERE IS A CHANGE IN YOUR WAYS/ YOU WILL CONTINUE TO BE LONELY UNTIL YOUR LAST BREATH, ON YOUR LAST DAY/ AND AS FOR MYSELF AND THE COMMITMENT TO YOU I EXPRESSED/ THINKIN' ABOUT THE TIME AND LOVE WASTED CAUSES ME TO REGRET/ THE MOMENT I LET YOU BEGIN TO USE ME UP/ STUPIDLY SUBSTITUTING LUST IN PLACE OF LOVE/ BUT LETS LOOK AHEAD AND NOT LOOK BACK/ I PROMISE TO MYSELF AND MAKE THIS PACT/ I VOW TODAY THAT ON LIFE'S PATH I WILL RECONSIDER/ WHAT ACTIONS TO TAKE WHEN CROSSING PATHS W/ A BITCH NIGGA....

Gettin some things offa my chest...

This is some more stuff that is old that I decided to share with you guys....

So Where do we start? Lots of complicated matters, let's get to the heart...

I've become exactly what I've despised/ So take a listen and see the world thru my eyes/ The girl that your man has on the side/ Yes the other woman is the car I chose to drive/ I know you may say why would you play yourself like that?/ The answer I can give you is what I know to be facts/ He never said he loved me or anything like that/ But, when I'm with him he loves the way I do that../ Thing that I do/ We have our fun together, but I'm jealous of you/ Because you have his heart in your hands/ Knowing this is true is what I can't stand/ I feel like eventually it will be mine/ All it's gonna take is time, and it WILL be mine/ Although I know in the back of my mind/ That in his sky you're a star that shines bright/ The question is then why am I still here?/ The reason why is because in my heart I fear/ That in the end 'll be alone @ the end of the song/ That's why moving on is taking
so long/ I don't wanna be in this situtation/ Sitting up here having illict relations/ Sleeping with a man who is already taken/ Caught up in this fantasy sadly mistaken/ In retrospect doing things that I know I should not/ But what is it going to take for me to stop?

Off the top of my head & from my heart

Man I ain't did this in soooo long I wrote this on 10/10/07 read and gimme ur thoughts!

Thank God for grantin me this moment of clarity...My mind hurts sooo badly right now,I am in love with him and my heart is breaking. Eyes watering uncontrolably, blinding me I cannot see. Emotions haywire because he's all I want to need...Drinking myself into a prison trying to be free.. I want to be free...To live without you in my thoughts my thoughts constantly. Thoughts of you overtaking me and consuming my day. Wishing you would love me and only me. Knowing this will never be a reality. Sticking around waiting for this to materialize, For feelings to be conjured up but realizing it'd all be a lie....

LOVE QUOTES....

I told y'all I think about love and shit like that too damn much, but I felt this quote so tufff HAD to post it!

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

"It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no 'exit' signs in love, there is only an 'on' ramp."

Letter 2 U...

In The Booth Refleckin: Old School Style!

Sooo I can't update mobile rite now :>( but I got an idea while I was in the booth refleckin... WHy not write my thoughts as the day went by and then post them later? Genius right! So then I took it a step further and said, "I have a scanner, so I can scan these mugs and put them online!" Check out my uber cool idea, right chere! Comment Comment Comment!!!

Sittin in the booth refelckin lol

"I've went from being a puny Pawn to being a Rook, I want a man 2 protect me like a King guards his Queen from crooks"
~Me

I'm sitting here in the booth reflecting over some things that are going on in my life right now and thinkin about some ppl in my past...As in lovers. I've had some crazy "situations" transpire in just the last 2 years. I'm pretty much hip 2 the games that are 2 be played, not that I know it all, but I'm pretty well versed in the language of trysts, "arrangments", and unfortunately being the other woman. Out of all of this there has been 1 constant and that is me. I've learned a lot about myself in this time and one thing I found out is that I don't want to be that girl anymore. It's time for me 2 grow up and a lot of ppl will say well that is getting your "grown woman" on, getting what u want and not caring about the damage u do to yourself or others. A lot of women think they are damaged goods because of some man, not realizing the fact that you had a part in putting yourself into harm's way...

I am one to always acknowledge and take accountability for my part in things. If I had to testify in the mirror, I would'nt plead the 5th knowing I took part in the mess I helped to create. I don't find it incriminating to admit fault because if u can't tell yourself the truth then who can you tell it to? That being said old habits die hard, but eventually there comes a time in your life to where u to 2 step your game up in life... I'm vastly approaching that time and embrace it with both arms open wide to receive what is to come...

Fw: Internet Fu*kery part 3: I didn't wanna tell u

Fuckery n. derivative of the word fuck Absolute bullshit; utter nonsense; something rather suspicious that can bring forth uneasy, angry, or irritated feelings. The stunt pulled by people who don't know how to tell the truth or enjoy messing with people's heads as a hobby. From UrbanDictionary.com

Ahhh now this 1 isn't really completly all internet fu*kery but it sure did start there! This is #4 we'll call this one....

4. "Mr. I didn't wanna tell u..."- this is the one that with withold MAJOR shit from u until it's 2 damn late for u 2 just let it slide. Mostly it is done to "spare" your feelings or becuz they thought you would NEVER find out. They will also try 2 play u like ur a plumb dumb fool and say they told u b4! At this point u have now invested ur time, energy and a lot of urself into this person and creating a relationship. Examples of information being withheld are: I have children. (Twinz!?! And we've been talking for about 2 mths? I thought I told u?, uh hell no u did'nt!) Or I had sex w/ur cousin (in the middle of us doin it and then he proceeds to tell you that u look like her, and he can't do it... But we already started muthatrucka!!!) Yeah that type of ish... LOL

Internet Fu*kery pt 2: Breaking news!

Fuckery n. derivative of the word fuck Absolute bullshit; utter nonsense; something rather suspicious that can bring forth uneasy, angry, or irritated feelings. The stunt pulled by people who don't know how to tell the truth or enjoy messing with people's heads as a hobby. From UrbanDictionary.com

This 1 is pretty personal! I'm not doin it becuz my feelings are hurt, but more so to give an example of how easy it is to peep dumb niggas shit! Read On:

So dude that is from my "undercover booty call" and "try again" post tried 2 send me so tuff. Now my girl told me he was tryna play me sometime ago, but this dude is off the wall!! I think he mad becuz I would'nt let him hit more than once or sumthin who the fuck knows!! For all intents and purposes of this post he will be reffered 2 as type #3 "Mr. Bitchassness" in this post... Lemme introduce u real quick..

3. "Mr. Bitchassness"- one exhibiting characterisics of one infected with "bitchassness" see def. below

Bitchassness: n. newly discovered disease running rampant, especially in our young ppl. symptoms include: 1.punkish tendencies see pussy or pussy nigga 2. cattiness, such as talking behind someone's back 3. thinking highly of yourself, but only expressing it under your breath 4.claiming "hurt feelings" when you are called out on your bullshit Robert of Making the Band 4

"Bitchassness is a disease...and it fucks shit up..."
From Urban Dictionary.com

------ Original note ------

From: Mr. Bitchassness
To: Friend*
Subject:
You f*cks with that dark skinned girl that's in the background of like all of your pics. (Talking about me! Lmao. I'm in the background of ALL her pics, ok)

------ Original note ------

From: *friend
To: "Mr. Bitchassness"
Subject: Re:
Black is beautiful! That is my sista! Why?

------ Original note ------

From: "Mr. Bitchassness"
To: *friend
Subject: Re: Re:
Blood Sista!!!??!!? yoU GOTTA BE KIDDING
((You can't b fuggin serious! This dude is super clowning me now))

------ Original note ------

From: *friend
To: "Mr. Bitchassness"
Subject: Re: Re:
Not blood but as close to blood as you can get without being blood. Why you tryina blast her though?

------ Original note ------

From: "Mr. Bitchassness"
To: *friend
Subject: Re: Re:
Nawh believe me, she is not going to take up any more of my time.(Nigga we did'nt talk 4 a whole month!!) MOVING ON. From your pics you look like you're alot of fun, are you moreplan everything out or spontaneous??!! What's the wildest thing you've ever did?

------ Original note ------

From: *friend
To: "Mr. Bithchassness"
Subject: Re: Re:
Why is that man? You say it as if she was a waste of time? How do I look fun? I'm more spontaneous because I don't take the time to plan things like I should. I have somewhat if a plan at times though. The wildest thing I've ever done was climb from under a rock!

------ Original note ------

From: "Mr. Bitchassness"
HOnestly I think shemight be a greatperson justnot forme,but anyway Everytime I come pass your page I'm like DAMN. I wanted to F8ckwith you but that body is so banging You probablymake niggas bust just touchin it...... and it lookl ikey ou got that wet sh1t thats a bad combination. Im surprised you ain't got some nigga laid out some where p@ssy whipped.
(No words @ fucking all!)

Yo so he tried to super duper clown me over some bulll ish 4 real. I hadn't talked 2 him 4 about mmm bout a mth and here he come wit this. I wanted to call him soooo bad and tell him off, but I'm not that kind of girl, lol.

This is why I'm not on Blackplanet anymore becuz most dudes on there are dawgs, u go from me to my friend and she just said we are like sisters? Go dig me a fuggin hole and bury me because I'm *dead* lmao. And just to let guys/men/boyz know, chicks/women/girlz talk, so watch ur step or u may get your game put on blast.....

OOOOh on to good news.......

Preview of the "Love My BODY" photoshoot/post....

Preview from the "Love My Body" photoshoot! More 2 come soon!!

Why I love my fam!

Just in case y'all didn't know becuz I aint tell y'all I started my new job 2 day. Its as a parking attendant on OSU's campus. This is a convo b/w me and my Aunt Niecy talkin bout my 1st day or 1st hour lol @ work read from the bottom up!

*End of Convo*
Me:
I LOVE YOU TOO AUNTIE!!! And I will be getting that dvd player up off of u!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
----------------

From: Auntie
Date: Wed, 3 Dec 2008 09:02:16
To: Me
Subject: Re: Yea

I like what you said, work through it to get where you need to be........................
Sometimes we move out of the order that God has purposed for us. Then he will allow things to happen
for us to learn from or humble us, determine what your lesson is from this experience in order to become the
best Shay you can be!

Auntie loves you very much and I only want the best for you!

BTW (btw) since your in a booth all day, think about packing your lunch, snacks, my dvd player & some movies and a
good book to read!

Love, Aunt Niecy

12/03/2008 08:42 AM
From Me
To "Auntie"
Subject Re: Yea

I believe that myself, that's why I can't even complain about it. I just have to work through it to get to what I want. And no God did not make me one that is able to live w/o a car!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
----------------
From: Auntie
Date: Wed, 3 Dec 2008 08:35:03
Subject: Re: Yea

This job is your humbling experience, your next blessing is right around the corner. Hang in the there to keep some
money in your pocket & to pay your car payment, Lord knows YOU can't live without some wheels!

Love, Auntie

12/03/2008 08:30 AM
To "Mommy", "Auntie"

Subject: Yea
Its a job as a parking garage attendant so just collecting payment for parking in a booth, I am so hungry because I didn't prepare and bring food to the booth with me! This is truly a job for the anti-social....BORING. But I appreciate it.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

My Husband according 2 a test...

I took one of them little online quizzes and here's what they told me lol...

You Should Marry: The Romantic Overachiever He's Crude, Direct, and Loving Often times this guy will be a genius in his own right, and has a certain swagger about him. He has a grand notion of romance and love, but also of life and success. His own goals and talents can often intersect with the competing interests of companionship and loyalty. This guy believes in complex and deep relationships with many people. In a group, he may be looked at as a leader or relatively high in the pecking order. His ambition, sociability, personality make this guy well-liked. He'll give women his love, but with it they agree to a lifestyle that may not be suitable for the unprepared passenger.

5*02*08 He don't know

Loving hard is such a crazy thing
Especially when the one you love is oblivious
Knowing by face but not by name
Not familiar with my love, driving me insane
He knows but he don't really know how deep and far my love will go.
I want for there to be more, for intimacy to take place
To be the one you know can never be replaced
I know you're that one for me truly sent from above
To rescue me from my past forays in love
He knows but he don't really know how deep and far my love will go.
What I mean when I say this is you know that love for you is there
But this kinda love is so precious and rare
The kind that never fails and hopes for the best
Goes to lengths to never be attained by the rest
He knows but he don't even know how deep and far my love will go.
You may think you know but you have no idea....

Change 4 U

Worth every minute, every second
Each frame of time with u is a blessing
I want to take things slow, is that cool?
You got me thinkin I can change 4 u

Predestined our paths crossing in life
Like no person I've ever encountered b4
A privilege to recieve the things you do
You got me thinkin I can change 4 u

I just wanna focus on the beauty that is u
Your spirit, ur aura. I'm enjoying the view
My life force, my king, more than just my boo
Not thinkin but knowing that I can change 4 u