***WARNING***
I'm pouring out my fucking heart in this post, if you have any words of wisdom or encouragement, don't hesitate to share them. They may be vital to my existence, THANK YOU in advance....
Well you guys, I have been so uninspired lately....
I am experiencing technical difficulties in my life right now.... Relationship-wise, Creatively, Financially, Spiritually (which is most important)
RELATIONSHIP-WISE:
I've stopped chasing after things that are pretty much worthless. I count things as being worthless when I can see clearly that they are going NOWHERE good. Time is important and immeasurable to the naked eye, but it will definitely catch up with you. Nobody knows when it's time to go so you had better make the most of what you have now. People have been a hang-up of mine for a while. Thinking about what people think of me, feel about me, want from me and placing them on the list above myself. NO LONGER. That does nothing but run Marshay into the ground...
Also forsaking those that are most important to my very existence. MY MOTHER for instance has received the brunt of this stick. I beg for forgiveness for that because she could be my best friend, but I won't let her....
CREATIVELY:
I DRAW. Haven't done that in a while. I SING. Working on that, but I need to be more dedicated to that. I WRITE SONGS. Dedication not there fully. I WRITE POETRY. Mind is too cluttered to squeeze out my thoughts. STRUGGLE is the name of my affliction. I DESIGN CLOTHING AND SEW. No time for that, too busy worrying about other things. Can't put a pen to the paper. Can't stroke a key on my blackberry. Can't lift a finger to do my research. Can't thread a damn needle. Creativity snuffed out, blocked out by my thoughts....
I recently experienced a panic attack because I am so stressed out. I was seriously buggin out over a project and over the course of that day, I felt tightness in my chest, my heart started beating faster, I couldn't breath and I started hyper ventilating. I thought I was going to DIE! I was crying throughout this ordeal and I couldn't really talk so that scared me even more. I wanted to go to the hospital, but I was worried about the cost of the motherfuckin ER visit more-so than anything else. Oh yeah and since my mom was pissed off @ me for not seeming to care about her birthday, she waved me the fuck off... Yeah it was bad. Eventually it went away, after I laid down and slept, but I could still feel the pain days later....
I'm coming out of a slight depression. I admit it, a depression. I sleep too much, eat the wrong shit and just feel like ugggggghhh and try to avoid my problems with the wrong substances, but they are STILL THERE. And that is the hard part coming to terms with the fact that they are still there. I think that %95 of people that are depressed don't come to this realization.... I didn't realize this until my mom pointed it out to me like 2wks ago. MY ROOM is even a mess because my mind is cluttered. I wake up every day to MESS and JUNK strewn all about around me. SUFFOCATING me. DROWNING me. It is an accurate depiction of my mind. Bills everywhere, paper everywhere, clothes everywhere. EVERYTHING everywhere!!!!
FINANCIALLY:
ARGGGGHHH where do I start? They say Mo' money, Mo' problems... HA I say NO money a whole lotta problems!!!! My problems with money stem from irresponsibility of my part for knowing better and my parents for letting me do it, but ultimately rest in my lap and on my credit report, phone records, case files etc etc. If I had $10,000 this would be all free and clear, but alas I do not... My JOB situation is not the best, I was pretty much forced to resign from my job making $32,000+ a yr... I know that GOD i using this as a humbling experience for real because I am surviving off of $9.50 and hour, I just can't get my bills PAID. I don't even want to open some of the fuckin letters I get some days man. Mail stacked up 'ye high!!! Craziness.... Car payment due, parents need money, car breaks down, cell phone getting cut off, I don't live like this!!! That damn cell phone is about to be cut theee fuggg off! AHhhhhh this is feeling a lil bit better....
SPIRITUALLY:
"I'M NOT WHERE I WANNA BE, but THANK GOD I'M NOT WHERE I USED TO BE!"
I am thankful for all has brought me through and continually brings me through. *tearing up* I went from having LOW self-esteem to having HIGH self-esteem. From being SUICIDAL to knowing that I have PURPOSE and use for this life I've been so graciously given. There are too many other things to even list.... I'm the child my Mom was told she couldn't have. The one that God knew before I was created. So why would I not go back to the source of my being and acknowledge HIM in my living and breathing, my existence? FOOLISHNESS I tell you.
God would still be good if he didn't do another thing for me ever ever again. I could have been kidnapped, killed, dead and gone just from my IDIOTIC actions. I DRIVE DRUNK and haven't killed myself or anybody else yet? Thank GOD! I have a BIG ASS crack in my windshield that hasn't broken yet and it's -20? Thank GOD! I am breathing still? THANK GOD!! He SENT HIS SON TO DIE FOR ME!?!? THANK GOD times INFINITY! I really have gotten away from what I know to be true and not a lie, and that is GOD. I know with every fiber in my being that GOD loves me even though I do what I know is wrong and that I am 4given!!! I am glad for the presence GOD has in my life, but there definitely needs to be more of him shining through me....
I'll ttyl and give y'all updates on changes, I'm just frustrated and many other things but I feel a lil bit better... PEACE!
